I've Always Known, but now I KNOW!

I have always known what a blessing my kids are. 3 years of fertility treatments and 1 long round of IVF proved that to me. Seriously, that call from my fertility Dr. telling me I was finally pregnant was the best day of my life! I didn't think it could get any better until they placed two little peanuts into my arms! And, each just gets better. They are my life and my light. Bringing me more joy than I could of ever imagined. So, to say that I always have known what a gift they are is an understatement. But, these last few months have taught me that these two little crazies are more than a gift, they are my miracles!
Twins have thrown me for a loop. It took 3 years to finally FEEL like I could have another baby. Back in June of last year I was feeling like it was "time" to have another baby. With promptings comes more promptings, and more promptings. I finally felt like I could not ignore them any longer. To this day I wonder what the Lord really wants from me, but I will go more into that later. We both agreed that it was time for another little one. We gave it time. Six months later we went and saw our fertility Dr. Long story short, we had a frozen embryo way back when we did IVF with Coby and Chloe. So we began another round of IVF to implant our little frozen baby. We felt good, everything fell into place, and we were sure this was our answer to many promptings over the last several months. After the 3 months of medication, shots, and a super sore behind I finally went in for my blood pregnancy test. Around noon that day I got a call from Dr. telling me that we were indeed pregnant!!! We were over the moon! We were doing what the Lord had prompted us to.....growing our little family and I was finally ready for a new little bundle of joy to come into our home. My Dr. then gave me instructions to come back in a week and do another blood test to make sure my #'s were going up. A week later I went in and again around noon my Dr. called to tell me......."I am sorry Jennesa your #'s went way down. you are going to loose it. This is what we call a Chemical Pregnancy. I need you to come back in for more blood work and then we can start over in month or two". These words were so devastating to me. My heart ached so much and for a week I cried! I did loose it and we were back to square one, but I wasn't going to give up that easily! A month later we went back, started the meds, and began another round! Another LONG story short, we were missed quoted the amount. It was way more than we could afford and we had to stop everything. again, I was devastated, heart broken, and kept wondering" if this what the Lord wants me to do then why is it not happening"? I realize now we weren't very prepared and after loosing the baby Adam kept telling me should give it sometime, but I was not having it. I wanted a baby and there was no talking me out of it. I think it was my way of coping with the loss.
It's been a hard few months, but each struggle I was reminded how very blessed I am. I mean there are so many others out there with harder trials then myself, people who have taught me that life is too short. And, with each struggle there was my amazing husband to help lift me off the floor and to remind me that life is too short! Not to mention my little miracles, who for them I had to get up each day and forget myself and get to work;), and again remind me that LIFE IS TOO DANG SHORT.
All of this reminded me of my own mother, who I have ached for so much these past few months. She was only able to have Tyler and me. Somehow I think she knew that life for her was going to be cut shorter then most, so she lived each day like it was her last! Truly cherishing each day with us. I know she wanted more kids, because after she past a social worker came to my dad and told him that she had begun the adoption process. I am sure her heart ached for more, but she never showed it, only embraced what the Lord had blessed her with!!
So why share this? I guess it's my way of getting my feelings out, a way to remind myself how much I have grown, and maybe to show my kids what an amazing gift they are to me! Last little thing I feel I must write down.......When I lost the baby, Coby came into my room where I was laying and asked if I would throw the football to him. I brushed him off because I just wanted to wallow in my pity. As he walked off sadly something (or the spirit) said to me, "don't let this moment slip by jennesa, you need him right now". So I sat up and stopped him, told him I would throw it with him for just a few minutes. We sat on the floor for an hour, AN HOUR, throwing the ball to each other, laughing, giggling, and enjoying the moment! He was my saving grace that day, because after that I realized once again how blessed I truly am! I did need him! Through all of this I have had many hugs and kisses from my sweet Chloe. When she has seen me crying she'll just sit by me and hold my hand. the first time she did this I was once again touch by the love my Heavenly Father has for me by giving me my little miracles.
Life is good, we are happy and for now I am just enjoying each day with Coby and Chloe. I am not sure what the Lord wants from us right now, but I do know that He knows whats best for each of us. He knows what we need to grow, and even though it's a hard road He allows others to comfort us along the way. I am sure I will look back at all of this as I have once before, and say wow I am so much stronger now. My dad often tells me that, "if nothing else these things we go through can give us compassion for others. It sort of makes us Christ like, and in the end that's why we are here".